Empathy in young children

About two weeks ago, Tiarnan, six, was out shopping with his mother, Syahidah, in Kuala Lumpur. Suddenly, he tugged at his mother’s arm.

“Mummy,” he began, with concern in his voice, “It is so sad!” He pointed at a young boy walking down the road, unaccompanied. “Some children don’t have parents!”

Syahidah looked at the little boy on his own. He was about seven years old, perhaps, maybe eight. He was walking down the main shopping High Street, without an adult in sight.

“No, Tiarnan.”, she reassured, kneeling down to him, “I am sure he has parents. Maybe he is going to see them now, in one of the shops.”

Tiarnan looked long at the little boy walking off on his own and wasn’t so sure. He seemed a little heartened, though, to feel that, perhaps, his mummy was right.

Both my wife and I thought this a very sweet indicator of the kinds of thoughts and feelings Tiarnan has. He was actually sad, for a strange boy, he had never met, because he understood him to lack parents. He felt for another, in this world. That is sweet, in itself. Yet, we are well aware of how this perspective has come about. You see, Tiarnan in all his six years, has never been left alone in public, without one or both of his parents being present. So, his remark is a consequence of how we have raised him. We have never exposed him to any risk in public. In a way he had a point: where were the parents of that boy? He really shouldn’t have been left alone. We wouldn’t leave any of our own children alone...so why had his parents?

Perhaps Tiarnan was not so wrong in his perceptions, since that boy’s parents, if not non-existent, were certainly less present than his own parents are, always. We wouldn’t take such risks with our kids, ourselves.

Anyway, it was sweet to hear Tiarnan care so much for another child. It is a sign that he, himself, is likely to grow up into a warm and caring individual...and that is certainly a good outcome, for any wise parent.

Thank you Tiarnan, for your empathetic feeling.

A cultural note: there is quite a lot of crime in KL. There was a recent high profile case of the kidnapping of a 12 year old expat boy, in a wealthy area of KL. I would have expected, therefore, that parents would exercise more caution with the safety of their children, in public, than the parents of the boy Tiarnan saw, were doing. 

Posted by Valentine Cawley

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The price of parental strictness.

Chinese parents are traditionally known for what would be regarded as “strict parenting”, in Western eyes. Indeed, some parents of Chinese origin have become famed for their regimented style of child rearing. Yet, there is a price to pay for strictness, a profound psychological price to pay.

Recently, two twelve year old Chinese girls, from Zhangzhou, in mainland China, Xiao Mei and Xiao Hua committed suicide in a bizarre pact. The girls left suicide notes in a cupboard which spoke of a desire to travel back in time to the Qing Dynasty (from 1644 to 1911) and seemed to indicate that they thought that death would achieve this, for them. The suicide pact came into being when one of the girls lost the key to her house and was afraid of being punished by her parents, for doing so. She decided to commit suicide, rather than face punishment. Her best friend heard about this, and couldn’t bear the thought of living on without her friend – so they both decided to kill themselves at the same time. They elected to do this, by jumping into a pond.

Now, what struck me about this tragedy was the reaction amongst the Chinese people. There has been an uproar blaming time travel TV shows for the suicides. They seem to believe that the children were somehow acting out, in imitation of such shows, in which people are propelled back into the past, when struck by lightning, or have a car crash. My personal thought on this is that the critics of the TV shows are seriously missing the point. These two girls did not die because they were imitating TV shows. They died, because they were TOO SCARED OF THEIR PARENTS. These girls were killed by strict Chinese style parenting. One of the girls was so frightened of her parents’ reaction to losing her house key, that she decided it would be better to die, than to face up to her parents. So, this tragedy is much darker than it appears. It is not about the delusions of two young girls, unable to distinguish reality from TV fictions...but it is about the psychological stresses they had been placed under by strict parents. Had their parents been more loving, more kind, more warm, more forgiving, more welcoming, I am certain that both these girls would still be alive today.

China should be re-examining the way it raises its children, in the light of this tragedy – not the nature of its TV shows. Children who felt loved and secure, with their parents, would not be so scared of them that they would prefer to die, than to face up to them, when something unfortunate had happened. These two girls were, basically, killed by their parents. Had their parents been less strict, they would be alive, today. It is that simple.

What makes this all the more tragic and puzzling is that China has a one child policy, so it is likely that these girls were the only children of their parents. If so, it seems even more tragic to me, that they should have been parented in such a strict manner, that they would rather die than face their parents’ wrath. Why did their parents need to be so strict, when they had but one lonely child to look after and raise? What would have been wrong with being warm, supportive, loving and flexible instead?

If a child fears their parents, then something is seriously wrong with the way those parents are raising the child. These children were in fear – and that fear led to their deaths.

From the reaction of the Chinese people and their misattribution of the problem to TV, I very much doubt whether the Chinese people will learn anything from this. However, there is a lesson here, for anyone who reads my blog: raise a child with love, not fear, for in love, they grow; in fear, they die, slowly, or quickly, but surely.

Posted by Valentine Cawley

(If you would like to support my continued writing of this blog and my ongoing campaign to raise awareness about giftedness and all issues pertaining to it, please donate, by clicking on the gold button to the left of the page.

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If you would like to see an online summary of my academic achievements to date, please go here: http://www.getcited.org/mbrz/11136175To learn more of Ainan Celeste Cawley, 10, or his gifted brothers, Fintan, 7 and Tiarnan, 5, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html

I also write of gifted education, child prodigy, child genius, adult genius, savant, megasavant, HELP University College, the Irish, the Malays, Singapore, Malaysia, IQ, intelligence and creativity.

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Our editing, proofreading and copywriting company, Genghis Can, is athttp://www.genghiscan.com/This blog is copyright Valentine Cawley. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited. Use only with permission. Thank you.)

Should Art challenge the viewer?

Recently, someone had an unexpected reaction to Syahidah’s art. A well to do Irish lady and her husband had the chance to see some of my wife’s work (which is now displayed at home). After they had viewed the works, we sought their reactions.

“Oh, they are nice.”, began the Irish woman, “but I wouldn’t have them in my house.”, she concluded, oddly.

“Why is that?”, I prodded, gently, muting my reaction and keeping my true thoughts from my face and tongue, lest they persuade her to disguise her own.

“Well, my children might not understand them – and I couldn’t risk that.” The prospect seemed to appall her.

Since her children are teenagers, to twenties, I thought this most peculiar.

I didn’t probe further, in general, but directed her attention towards one particular piece, which had two monumental faces facing each other.

“Oh no! I couldn’t bring that into the house.”, she looked somewhat disgusted. “They look like they are about to kiss. If my daughter (Ed: 15 years old), saw that, she would go “yewwh!””

I thought this response most enlightening about the psyche of my interlocutor. You see, the heads in the drawing were NOT about to kiss. They were near each other, yes – but, if anything they were just engaged in conversation. There was no kiss involved. In fact, both heads were men, too, which, in most circumstances, would have worked against her interpretation.

Further discussion with her, uncovered the obvious fact, that, for her, sexual interpretations were to be found in most of the drawings, even though, in reality, they were very mild, in that area. It seemed that it was her own perceptions, that were to blame, here. She was overly sensitive to the possibility of sexual interpretations of images, which, of course, suggested an undue preoccupation with or fear of such subject matter. Furthermore, her reactions were divided into two types: labeling some works, as sexual, when they weren’t really – or labeling works as “difficult” and therefore, “unsuitable for children” – because they “wouldn’t understand them”.

I found this all rather puzzling. To my perceptions they are all interesting works of art, many with a story, all with a point of view that reveals something about the subjects. None of them are “unsuitable for children” – indeed, our own children enjoy them, even Tiarnan, who is just five years old.

Is this Irishwoman right, do you think? Is it wrong to challenge children, with something beyond their immediate understanding?

My own view on the matter is that children should always be challenged. It is not right, I think, just to present them with whatever is readily understood without effort. When a child is challenged, the child has an opportunity to learn, to see something new. I believe that by being fearful of challenging her children with that which might puzzle them, this Irish lady is stifling the growth of her children: were they to see my wife’s works, part of their perceptions and understanding of the world and its possibilities would have a chance to expand.

I made no comment about the Irish woman’s outlook, at the time – but, to me, her parenting stance, on the issue, seemed remarkable and prompted me to reflect on it, subsequently, on several occasions. What do you think of her stance on not challenging her children with art beyond their immediate understanding? Is she right? Am I wrong?

Let me know your thoughts below please.

(If you would like to support my continued writing of this blog and my ongoing campaign to raise awareness about giftedness and all issues pertaining to it, please donate, by clicking on the gold button to the left of the page.

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If you would like to read any of our scientific research papers, there are links to some of them, here: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2011/02/research-papers-by-valentine-cawley-and.html

If you would like to see an online summary of my academic achievements to date, please go here: http://www.getcited.org/mbrz/11136175

To learn more of Ainan Celeste Cawley, 10, or his gifted brothers, Fintan, 7 and Tiarnan, 5, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html

I also write of gifted education, child prodigy, child genius, adult genius, savant, megasavant, HELP University College, the Irish, the Malays, Singapore, Malaysia, IQ, intelligence and creativity.

There is a review of my blog, on the respected The Kindle Report here:http://thekindlereport.blogspot.com/2010/09/boy-who-knew-too-much-child-prodigy.html

Please have a read, if you would like a critic's view of this blog. Thanks.

You can get my blog on your Kindle, for easy reading, wherever you are, by going to: http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Who-Knew-Too-Much/dp/B0042P5LEE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1284603792&sr=8-1

Please let all your fellow Kindlers know about my blog availability - and if you know my blog well enough, please be so kind as to write a thoughtful review of what you like about it. Thanks.

My Internet Movie Database listing is at:http://imdb.com/name/nm3438598/

Ainan's IMDB listing is at http://imdb.com/name/nm3305973/

Syahidah's IMDB listing is at http://imdb.com/name/nm3463926/

Our editing, proofreading and copywriting company, Genghis Can, is athttp://www.genghiscan.com/

This blog is copyright Valentine Cawley. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited. Use only with permission. Thank you.)

Singapore Parenting Congress 2008

I note that Mediacorp, a Singaporean Government organization, is promoting the Singapore Parenting Congress 2008. This is predictable in the light of the Prime Minister's National Day speech, in which he said that Singapore should do more to help create the right environment for parents.

The Parenting Congress has a range of talks across many parenting issues, with such titles as: "Talking with today's teens"; "Why can't we get along? Managing Parent-teen conflict."; "When words fall on deaf ears."; "Knowing your children better: what works and what doesn't."; "Staying strong as a couple while raising teens."; "Why don't we talk anymore? Family and work-life challenges."; "Conflict resolution for teenagers."; "Saving the parent-child relationship."; "Staying connected with your teenager."; "Smart parenting."

Seeing all these talks, I gathered the impression that the Government is getting serious about its intentions to support the family and strengthen family life. By arranging this Congress, they are disseminating information which could help many families deal with the issues that arise in many families as children grow up.

But then I noticed something unexpected: they are charging for it. To listen to their words of wisdom, an individual must pay 18 dollars for a ticket and 24 dollars for a couple. What was not clear was whether a "ticket" meant admission to one talk only - or to the whole series. Knowing how they generally think, I assume that it is one ticket per talk. Now, that is quite expensive if one wishes to visit several talks. It also makes clear something else: the Government, embodied as it is by Mediacorp, is not yet serious about supporting the family. If it was, this kind of Parenting Congress would be a FREE public service. There are ten talks. At 18 dollars each, that makes 180 dollars for a parent to attend them all; 240 dollars were both parents to attend. That, to me, seems far too much for information which should be freely and publicly available in a nation that is truly serious about supporting family life.

If Singapore is going to crack the problem of a falling native population (Singapore's total fertility rate is only 1.29, leaving each generation much smaller than the one before, excluding immigrants.), it must change its mindset with regards to parents. Parents are not a source of revenues to be milked - at least they should not be seen as such - they are the source of the future of Singapore and should be SUPPORTED in every way possible, to make their challenges less of a challenge.

Singapore has such a low fertility rate precisely because it is not a family friendly place. It is too expensive to raise children in Singapore. So many things - such as healthcare and education - which are FREE in many other developed countries with higher fertility are expensive in Singapore. In this small nation, even parenting information comes at a high price: nothing here is without a fee, without a profit potential for someone. The irony of all of this is that by focussing on short-term gain, the powers-that-be ensure that there is NO LONG-TERM FUTURE for Singapore. If raising a child is made to be as expensive as possible (which seems to be the general idea of the present system) then potential parents will continue to do what they are now doing: not having children in the first place. People will only begin to have more children, when it becomes financially less punishing for them to do so.

Singapore's Government has not shown itself able to think in ways that actually support elements of the population, in the past. Unless it changes the system so as to be supportive of parents, in Singapore, native born Singaporeans will continue to be a rare commodity.

As it stands, Singapore has no true future for a very simple and unavoidable reason: the next generation is only about 60 per cent of the size it needs to be to maintain the population base. In other words, in a few generations, at this non-replacement rate, there won't be any Singaporeans at all. It will be a dead nation. That is the effect of the policies surrounding parenting, to date. It remains to be seen whether the Government has the vision, the determination and the will to expend resources to ensure that Singapore has a future - for without the patter of little feet across the land, there is no such future.

The fees for the Singapore Parenting Congress 2008 are a bad sign. They are a sign that the Government has not yet learnt what parents actually need. The last thing they need, in oh-so-expensive Singapore - is another cost to pay out. It is time to think of parenting as a national public service - and to support it as one. Parents do something very important: they ensure that a nation has a future. I can think of nothing more important than that.

(If you would like to learn more of Ainan Celeste Cawley, a scientific child prodigy, aged eight years and seven months, or his gifted brothers, Fintan, five years exactly, and Tiarnan, twenty-eight months, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, the Irish, the Malays, Singapore, College, University, Chemistry, Science, genetics, left-handedness, precocity, child prodigy, child genius, baby genius, adult genius, savant, wunderkind, wonderkind, genio, гений

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Maximal enjoyment.

How to be a parent is a question that troubles many a new parent. There are no simple, nor universal answers. How to parent depends on values, outlook, aims, culture, religion, society and many other factors. Consequently, there is no single answer applicable to all. There will be as many answers as there are children - for that is another factor, too: the nature of each child.

All this makes parenting a difficult matter, with no clear rules.

Today, for example, presented a parenting challenge which many may meet.

We were at Sentosa, Singapore's resort island, with my mother and sister. We were sitting having a drink in the shade, by a set of pools with fountains in them. Suddenly, Tiarnan made a break for it, running away from us, towards the pools. I got up and followed him. However, he managed to reach the pools before I did, and leapt in, up to his shins in water. He laughed. I dragged him out and back to our seating.

It was not long, however, before he saw another chance, while we were distracted and ran away again, this time leaping fully into the water and lying down in it. He was drenched by the time I got there. Seeing him like that, I made a decision to let him play.

He was soon joined by Fintan and the two of them began to run from pool to pool, splashing each other, lying in the water - and even trying to taste it (to a loud rebuke from me). Tiarnan and Fintan both took to standing on top of the fountains trying to block the outflow of water. Tiarnan at times sat amongst the gushing outlets and let it flow all over him.

It was notable that no other children were in the pools. They were ornamental and weren't meant for this use.

Passersby would laugh and stop and take photos, in particular of Tiarnan, the frolicing one year old.

One elderly Indian tourist applauded, saying: "Maximal enjoyment!" at the sight of Tiarnan playing in a pool.

I let them play not until they tired, but until I did. For I followed Tiarnan from pool to pool, ever on guard, beneath the hot sun, against accidents. After perhaps half-an-hour, I had had enough and dragged Tiarnan out, much to his dismay.

Fintan didn't come easily, either.

Now, other parents didn't let their children play so. Their concern was for public decorum. For me, however, it was a great pleasure to watch my children's joy, while they played in the water. So what if they got wet? So what if their clothing would take an hour or two to dry out? (For both were fully clothed when they first entered the water). None of that mattered. What mattered, for me and for them - was that they should, as the stranger said, get "maximal enjoyment" from their day on the island. That is far more important to them, in their childhood, than that everyone should think my children are under tight control (as so many of the other children are).

I prefer my way of bringing them up: it is called letting them play.

(If you would like to learn more of Ainan Celeste Cawley, a scientific child prodigy, aged seven years and eleven months, or his gifted brothers, Fintan, four years and four months, and Tiarnan, twenty-one months, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, the Irish, the Malays, College, University, Chemistry, Science, genetics, left-handedness, precocity, child prodigy, child genius, baby genius, adult genius, savant, gifted adults and gifted children in general. Thanks.)

Parenting a gifted child: anxious moments.

Every child has their needs. That is fine and understood. Yet, every child also has their wants - and sometimes those can be difficult to meet.

A few days ago, I was walking with Syahidah, through the central city area of Singapore, at night, surrounded by tall buildings of varying heights. Except for the heat, it could have been any modern city, anywhere - but that humid air bathing one is unmistakable.

Syahidah turned to me and said: "Ainan wants you to buy him a skyscraper...", my heart leapt at the size of the acquisition I was being asked to make: I knew he loved tall buildings, but his very own skyscraper was a little out of my league (perhaps Donald Trump could help out).

Before, however, I had time to feel too sick about the latest aspiration of my gifted kid, she continued her sentence: "book".

At once, I felt better. My parenting anxiety vanished in an instant: a book, a skyscraper book, well, I could manage that. Suddenly, my instant inadequacy at not being a billionaire able to indulge his children's every whim, evaporated: a book purchase, I could handle.

Of course, before the relief, came the laughter - my own, as I understood how disparate were my instant emotional reaction to what I thought was to be an excess of materialism and the actual request, for a simple book.

It made me think, though. As a parent, one is always faced with the requests of one's children for various things. Some of those requests are easily met. Yet others are harder and some are simply impossible. With more children, so the requirements expand - at some point, most parents will encounter this gulf between the ideal of what one's children would like, and the reality of what they can have. That is one of the tensions of parenting: the difference between the children's material and experiential aspirations and their practical reality.

I was rather glad that Ainan didn't really want a skyscraper - or at least wasn't saying that he wanted one. The question is, of course: if I were a billionaire, like Donald Trump, or Bill Gates - would he want one and would he ask for one? Ainan knows I can't just buy a skyscraper - but if he knew that I could, would that be on his shopping list?

I am unlikely to be in the position to test his response to such an abundance of wealth, being presently short of the odd billion or two. However, you never know...

(If you would like to learn more of Ainan Celeste Cawley, a scientific child prodigy, aged seven years and ten months, or his gifted brothers, Fintan, four years and three months, and Tiarnan, twenty months, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, the Irish, the Malays, College, University, Chemistry, Science, genetics, left-handedness, precocity, child prodigy, child genius, baby genius, adult genius, savant, gifted adults and gifted children in general. Thanks.)

Little Boy, Big Heart

Last night, Tiarnan, twenty months, lay in the centre of our bed. He is a playful character to have around, and never less than entertaining. After we had spent some time enjoying his whimsical nature, we turned out the lights.

I closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep.

Singapore is a hot and humid country and so we have no need for blankets, yet, above us, there is the ever present ceiling fan, creating a strong breeze throughout the room. Sometimes it is just a little too strong - so, though the actual room temperature might be over thirty degrees centigrade, as it often is, the breeze can make one feel quite chill. It is a curious paradox.

After a few minutes of listening to the whirr of the fan, I felt two little hands pressing on my chest, and down my abdomen. I opened my eyes to see Tiarnan, with a sheet in his hands, wrapping it about my body, to shield me from the fan. He smiled down at me and then carried on tucking me in.

How sweet. Tiarnan must have felt the strong breeze on his skin and felt cold. Yet, his thoughts didn't stop there: he realized that I, too, would feel the same breeze, and might also feel cold. So what did he do? He reached down and took a sheet - and used it to cover me.

His unexpected kindness touched me. I am not sure that all that many little people of his age, would think of doing such a thing. What a big heart he has.

(If you would like to learn more of Ainan Celeste Cawley, a scientific child prodigy, aged seven years and ten months, or his gifted brothers, Fintan, four years and three months, and Tiarnan, twenty months, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, the Irish, the Malays, College, University, Chemistry, Science, genetics, left-handedness, precocity, child prodigy, child genius, baby genius, adult genius, savant, gifted adults and gifted children in general. Thanks.)

The Fall Of Snail Kingdom

Throughout history, the fall of an empire has often been sudden and surprising: some unexpected turn of events occurs and all comes tumbling down. So, too, was it with the little principality known as the Grand Snail Hotel.

Those who have read the posts regarding Children and Pet Animals - and its sequel on The Grand Snail Hotel, will be primed to understand this post. If you haven't I suggest that you do, otherwise it will be meaningless.

You may recall that my wife and I found our sons building The Grand Snail Hotel in the lobby. It was constructed of plastics and provided a haven for gastropod life on our stairwell. It was also quite beautiful to look at. My wife promised to photograph it once we came back from the shops that evening.

Well, we did come back - but boy were we surprised at what we saw.

As the door to the lift opened, I saw my neighbour, with his back turned to me. In his right hand he held a large hammer. That didn't look good. Worse still, as I approached him, to investigate this strangeness, I saw that someone had kicked the hell out of the Grand Snail Hotel: it was lying in ruins in the stairwell, as if it had been attacked in anger. As I drew level with him, I saw something else: a blue powder on the floor to my neighbour's left: insecticide, I surmised, from the context.

After my sons had happily finished work on their hotel, and went back inside to loll contentedly by the television, mulling over their good deed, my neighbour had ventured from his home with a hammer and insecticide and set about killing my sons guests.

He looked at me and spoke in explanation: "Your sons have brought snails up here...they will eat my orchids."

It was quite surreal hearing a grown man speak of snails eating his orchids while he clutched a large hammer in one hand - and had once held insecticide in the other. It was like stumbling upon a serial killer quietly explaining why he was wiping out the neighbourhood: "They were eating my hamburgers." - or the like.

I nodded, to assuage him, thinking, that, noting the anger in his voice and the hammer in his hand that this was the most diplomatic choice at that moment. Besides, it was too late for most of the snails. They had either been squashed with a hammer - such a violent way to resolve the issue - or poisoned to death.

"It's a project." I pointed out, gently, putting the whole episode into the context of a child's exploratory life. I rather thought that, being Singapore, giving the situation an educative slant might mollify him. However, it didn't seem to.

He mumbled on some more about saving his orchids and I just nodded at what seemed like grammatically correct moments. I couldn't help but notice that he was all but choking on his own anger.

"Ask them to take them away by the end of today." He requested, at last.

I just nodded and oddly said: "Thank you."

I then went inside and told the boys the dreaded news about their now defunct snail colony.

"What?" was their simultaneous reply, as they leapt up to see what harm had befallen their guests.

I heard our neighbour explain to them that the snails would eat his plants so they had to go. He suggested that they gather them up - the survivors that is - and put them in a bucket so that they couldn't escape. He also said he wanted them gone by the end of the day.

They duly gathered them up into a bucket, covered it and left the snails alone for a few hours. By the evening it had gone.

This whole episode brought home to me what is wrong with Singapore. Kids are just not encouraged to play. The randomness of a good childhood is not thought worthy. There was so much to be learnt by my children through simply playing with and nurturing those snails - but that was not appreciated. It was taken to be a "naughty" act - which in this case was punished with the death of the snails.

Were his orchids really being eaten by the snails? I saw no evidence of them having left the stairwell...so no, I don't think so. They were well fed where they were and so had no need to seek food elsewhere.

I remember something funny now about our conversation. I pointed out to him, on hearing that they would supposedly eat his orchids that the children had left out food for them. "Yes," he said, delivering his words as if they were to be news for me: "Lettuce from your fridge."

I could hear in his voice that he expected me to be angry at this. He thought that I would see this as "naughty" and punishable, that I would somehow side with his world view and come down on my children for having the temerity to improvise a use for the food in my fridge. I knew then, that he really didn't understand my attitude to childhood - nor, what in my view, is a healthy attitude to parenting. For me, it is great if the children do something of their own volition. I like them to experiment. I personally couldn't understand why he would be so concerned about "misuse" of lettuce. It is more important that the children learn something, than that I have lettuce in the fridge. I can always eat something else - but they might never have another chance to learn this particular lesson.

I said nothing, however - for what could I say that would be understood by one whose views on parenting and childhood were so different from my own? I let it go, in silence.

I wonder what my children thought when they went outside and saw the ruins of their Grand Snail Hotel. What would they think of adults? They would have been confronted with the image of a man with a hammer, some blue powder on the floor - and a crushed hotel. How would they feel that their creative work - for all play is creative - should be so disregarded by an adult, that it should be destroyed in this way?

It was not what you would call encouraging for their efforts to receive this treatment. I am only thankful that I don't think Fintan noticed that snails had been killed. I am sure Ainan made the connection, however, but he said nothing to Fintan, which was sweet of him.

Together they gathered up the few snails that remained and made their goodbyes to them that afternoon.

Neither of them said anything about it - but I could feel that they were both disappointed. No doubt it has added something dark to their impression of the adult world. It would go something like this: "We build...adults destroy." or "We care...adults don't."

I am sure they understood the point about the snails eating the plants - but even so, the snails could have been moved by consent. All the neighbour had to do was knock on the door and ask them to take the snails away. He most certainly should not have set about killing them with a hammer. That is ugly - and unsettling.

Had I been in his position, I would have taken the "knock on the door" approach. It would never have entered my mind to start killing the neighbour's pets, simply because I didn't like them. In most places, that would be regarded as a crime. It probably is here, too.

(If you would like to learn more of Ainan Celeste Cawley, a scientific child prodigy, aged seven years and eight months, or his gifted brothers, Fintan, four years and one month, and Tiarnan, eighteen months, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, College, University, Chemistry, Science, genetics, left-handedness, child prodigy, child genius, baby genius, adult genius, savant, gifted adults and gifted children in general. Thanks.)

Let the children play

About a month ago, when Fintan was still three, I saw something which made me wonder what some parents think parenting is all about.

Fintan was in the pool - it was the shallow children's pool and there was only one other child in the pool - a boy of about two or three years old (generally Chinese children are relatively small so it makes guessing their age difficult - but he was certainly at least two years old). This child was accompanied by two adults, one of whom appeared to be his mother, the other a friend.

What I noted fairly quickly was that neither adult seemed to be able to play with the child, very well. Their main concern seemed to be stopping him from doing things. They would always intervene when he tried to do something, interrupting whatever it was that he was trying to do. They seemed to be worried that he would hurt himself somehow. After some time, he appeared to basically give up trying to do anything, and stood largely immobile. Here was a child who wasn't being allowed to be a child.

Fintan is a friendly boy. He saw the other little boy and decided to play a game. He approached the boy, swimming like a shark and diving into the water just before the boy, teasing him with the possibility of being eaten. He would then back up quickly, running through the water, while looking back to see if he was being followed. Very clearly, Fintan, three, was trying to initiate some sort of improvised chase game. The other boy never reacted. Never once did he try to chase Fintan in return. He just looked at him, in incomprehension, it seemed.

After a few attempts to make the other boy engage, one would have thought Fintan would give up - but he didn't get the opportunity to. Suddenly, the mother snapped at Fintan: "Will you stop bullying my baby!?" she cried, "Will you stop?"

Fintan and I were both surprised at this since it was clear that she had completely misunderstood the situation. He looked at her in silence - and then backed away, his face somewhat hurt by this unfair accusation. After a minute or two he started to play alone - and ignored the other child completely in the remaining half an hour he spent in the pool. The boy's minders, meanwhile, got on with preventing him from playing.

I felt like remonstrating with the mother, but thought better of it. A woman who misunderstood children to that extent was probably too stupid to reason with. I watched her with her child for a while and never saw any playfulness creep into her interactions with her child: it was all about control. It was one of the saddest pieces of "misparenting" I have ever seen.

This woman - and her friend - had intervened so as to prevent their child from playing. They had thwarted another child's attempt to befriend their child. They had misunderstood Fintan's friendliness as hostility - and isolated their child. In all the time that the other boy was in the pool, he was never allowed to make his own decisions, never allowed to be free to play. Most pointedly, he was never allowed to interact with another child.

I did note, too, her reference to her child as a "baby". That, perhaps, said it all. In her mind, her child was forever a baby, forever needing protection, forever needing to be watched over. From his size and motor development, he was at least two years old, however - and far from being a baby. He was almost Fintan's contemporary.

Fintan and I left the pool, sometime later - and he never spoke of what he felt about what she had done - but we both went home quieter than before, having been subdued by this silly woman's behaviour.

She did teach me one thing, though: how not to be a parent. Perhaps we can all learn from her poor example - and do what obviously she could never do: let the children play.

(If you would like to learn more of Fintan, four years and no months, and his gifted brothers, Ainan Celeste Cawley, seven years and seven months, and Tiarnan, seventeen months, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, child prodigy, child genius, baby genius, adult genius, savant, the creatively gifted, gifted adults and gifted children in general. Thanks.)

Prodigies and their parents

It is remarkable how many people are willing to form an opinion on something, without knowing anything about it. Such is the case in the matter of prodigy. So many people have an opinion on it, but so few have actual experience of it. Had they experience of it, they would not think as they do and speak as they have - for experience would show them the error of their thinking.

Why do I write? Well, there are some remarkably ill-informed articles on the internet - actually from mainstream media. One article I came across (which I am not going to give a link to, so as not to further its readership), expresses the view that parents of prodigies push their children into being prodigious. Now, anyone who has actually ever been a parent would know that that is absolutely impossible. It cannot be achieved. No amount of determination on the part of a parent is going to turn a typical child into a prodigy. It simply cannot be done. Prodigious accomplishment requires so much native gift of such a refined nature that it cannot be inculcated by the effort of parental will. It is either there, or it isn't. Prodigy is rather like savant, in this respect. In neither case is it possible to create the state of mind that is prodigy or savant, by effort of will, or hard work. Either the child is a savant, or a prodigy, or the child is not. Anyone who had ever become acquainted with either type of child, personally, would know the impossibility of manufacturing that state of mind. It simply cannot be done.

Despite this self-evident fact that prodigy is a special developmental state that cannot be reproduced at will, there are journalists who insist on pushing the view that the parent of such a child has somehow pushed their child into that state. That is a really unhelpful view - for it furthers the misunderstanding that such parents face daily.

Prodigy is an emergent property of the child. It comes from the child. It does not come from without the child. The parent, observing the emerging prodigiousness of the child, has a great responsibility to ensure that that child receives the opportunities appropriate to their gift. This can be rather difficult. It is common for the parent to be met with incredulity and incomprehension when they try to explain their child's needs. Such stonewalling by the academic and social environment can only be worsened by those who retail the view that the child has been pushed into prodigiousness. It is a very damaging lie promulgated by people who know nothing of prodigy, personally.

The growth potential of a prodigy is immense. If they are supported the potential results of their intellectual growth can be very significant indeed. Many intellectual giants began life as prodigies. Such children need every support they can get: they do not need to be told that they are the result of "pushy parents". This is simply not so.

Sure, there are pushy parents in this world - but they don't create prodigies by being pushy. Pushy parents will create stressed children upon whom too high expectations have been laid. That, however, is a different issue. The parent of a prodigy is a different case. That is the parent of a child with very special abilities and very special needs. Such parents should be supported in their efforts to support their child - not thwarted by a society that doesn't understand.

If you are the parent of a prodigious child, you will often receive incomprehension over the origin of your child's gifts. Many will think of you as a "pushy parent". Know this, however: anyone who has experience of such children will know otherwise - that the child is prodigious, because that is the nature of the child. So, not everyone will misunderstand. Any parent of such a child will know the truth. Anyone who reads the words of such a parent - like me - will also know the truth. In time, perhaps, it will be common knowledge - and that will be a great day for prodigies and their parents.

(If you would like to read of Ainan Celeste Cawley, a scientific child prodigy, aged seven years and seven months, or his gifted brothers, Fintan, four years and no months, and Tiarnan, seventeen months, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, child prodigy, child genius, baby genius, adult genius, savant, the creatively gifted, gifted children and gifted adults in general. Thanks.)

Tiarnan, the little policeman

About three days ago, Tiarnan, fifteen months, stepped in to control his brothers' behaviour.

Ainan, 7, and Fintan, 3, were playing in a rough and tumble style. This is characteristic of boys everywhere and, generally speaking, no-one really gets hurt: it is just play wrestling. Tiarnan, however, thought differently of this. He looked at Fintan on top of Ainan on the couch, the two struggling together and he looked up at me, then pointed at his brothers: "Heh..."

I looked at where he pointed, then decided to do something. I stepped in and pulled the two boys apart. The funny thing was Tiarnan's reaction. He was flabbergasted that I had listened to him and taken his instruction. His little pixie form began dancing around the room in excitement that I had acted on his tip off: he was exhilarated.

It was a little thing - but in listening to Tiarnan and acting on his intention, I think I did much to reach through to him. What does he think now: that Daddy listens to him.

It was a good moment.

By the way, the boys didn't go back to their wrestling.

(If you would like to read more of Tiarnan, fifteen months, or his gifted brothers, Ainan Celeste Cawley, seven years and five months, or Fintan, three, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, child prodigy, child genius, baby genius, adult genius, savant, the creatively gifted, gifted children and gifted adults. Thanks.)

A child's imagination: can it be too much?

Can a child have too much imagination?

This was a question posed as a statement, "child too much imagination", by a searcher who arrived on my blog, recently. I found the outlook that would lead to the search somewhat unsettling. For what kind of parent would think that their child had "too much" imagination? (This assumes it was a parent - it could have been a teacher, of course.) Let us rephrase the question in another way to get a better understanding of it. How does a child benefit from having LESS imagination? Is it better to be unable to see new things in the old? Is it better to be unable to conceive of a new idea? Is it better to be unable to play with that which is not there, physically but only exists in the mind? Is it better to be without the basic capacity to create?

In some way, the searcher believed all these things. In viewing their child as "too imaginative" they were proposing the opposite standpoint as superior - that of the unimaginative child who cannot conceive of the new, who cannot think of that which is not, who cannot, in truth, take the first step towards creating something by imagining.

I would say that a child can never have too much imagination - but I would say that a parent (or a teacher) could have too little.

It is sad to think how that child might be brought up. The instinct to create, to play, to imagine, might be met with great unwelcome - thought of by the parents as somehow a silly thing to do. If the child is at all socially sensitive, they will pick up on this and learn to avoid imaginative play. In time, the capacity to imagine will wither - and that child will become as the parent is: unimaginative, afraid to create, unable to play - and perhaps even disapproving of the imagination. A potentially creative being would have been snuffed out by an incomprehending, unwelcoming parent.

If a child wishes to play in a world all of their own, let them: the capacity to create such a world is the foundation of many adult pursuits of great inherent value - writing, art, science, acting and music are all products of an adult engaged in imaginative play. An adult could not pursue any of these disciplines had they not been free as children to play with their imaginations, exercising them until they become reliable allies in reforming the world, at will.

It might very well be true to say that all geniuses start life as imaginative children. The least they should expect from the world is a parent who allows them the freedom to be imaginative: without that license so much may very well be lost from the world.

So, no matter how "imaginative" a child is, it can never be "too much". To say so, is similar to saying that a child is "too intelligent". Neither statement is ever true. It is impossible to be "too gifted" - no matter what the gift is - for every level of gift has its value - and the greater the gift, the greater its potential value. There is never a point at which a human gift or human quality becomes "too much". To think otherwise is to see value in shackling a human spirit - and that really is "too much".

Tiarnan tries Daddy's shoes

Tiarnan is an ambitious baby. Though his feet fit comfortably in the palm of my hand, with plenty of room to spare, he wants to start wearing my shoes.

Last night, I caught him trying on his mother's shoes. He had placed one foot in one of her shoes and was dragging it around with him, looking down at it to see the effect. He seemed quite pleased with himself.

Then I asked him: "Do you want to try Daddy's shoes?"

He took his foot from his mother's shoe and walked over to one of mine - which I had not pointed out - so clearly he knows who wears what. Then he put his foot into it and proceeded to walk in the same way - dragging it with him, keeping his foot close to the floor lest it fall off. He must have learnt this lesson at some point, for only with this style of walking was it possible to keep the rather large shoe on his foot.

Then he did something sweet. He stopped. He looked down at his shoed foot - and suddenly leant down to press with his outstretched finger the leather of the shoe. It was hilarious: he was testing where his toes got to, in the shoe! He was comparing his foot size to my own, by discovering where his toes were in the shoe.

I didn't see, the first time, precisely where his finger touched the shoe - it was just along its end section. However, he did it a second time. This time he placed his finger directly on the little bump in the leather where my big toe has shaped the shoe. Was he being hopeful that it was caused by his own toe? Was he wondering what that bump was?

Once again, I am confronted with evidence of his perceptual abilities: for it was dark outside, where he was - yet he was able to distinguish that bump, in the dimness of the light, not knowing what it was. How observant of him.

It is in actions like this, that one can see the reasoning processes at work in a baby's mind. Were he not curious about the place of his foot in that shoe, he would not have pressed upon the leather. These little things are easily missed by a parent, in this busy modern life of ours - but it is worth watching one's children closely - for so many things become evident about them, if you do.

Have a great parenting day!

(If you would like to learn more of Tiarnan, fourteen months, or his gifted brothers, Ainan Celeste Cawley, seven years and four months, a scientific child prodigy, or Fintan, three, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, child prodigy, child genius, adult genius, baby genius, savant, the creatively gifted, gifted adults and gifted children. Thanks.)

Fintan makes fun of Daddy

If you are a parent, you will know that having an energetic child is a "mixed blessing". Yes, they are fun to be around...but sometimes that "around" is a little too big - and that child gets everywhere. Fintan, three, is one such child.

Today, Fintan wanted to run around, while we were out and about with him. Singapore is a small city with a population which, in my opinion, is proportionately quite large. Public places are often crowded places, therefore. Having a child who is ever running far and wide can easily lead to a lost child.

We took a bus on Orchard Road, to go to buy some electronic goods (more of that in another post). Fintan wanted to run around inside the bus...but that isn't acceptable, and wouldn't have been welcome, so, instead I sat him inside of me, locked away safely between me and the window of the bus.

To distract him, I pointed out of the window at things we were passing, thinking it might settle him down.

"Look Fintan at all those flags!" I pointed at a wall of flags on a shopping centre.

Then: "Look Fintan, at those neon lights!"

"Neon lights", he echoed, learning the name for them.

Then he said something with what I took to be sarcasm:

"Look Daddy, the sky is there!"

That silenced me. I hadn't heard him be sarcastic before, but now that I did, I knew my ruse had not fooled him, at all.

Perhaps, my attempt to distract him was just not sophisticated enough: I will have to recalibrate my view of what is appropriate for him.

The manner in which Fintan makes his social understanding plain, is always so clear, that sometimes I am humbled by him. He sees through everything - and always chooses an apt way to reply.

I think he is going to grow up to be a funny guy. He is a funny little guy already.