On coping with rejection.

The biggest difference between those who succeed in life, and those who fail, is in how they cope with rejection. Some are spurred on by it – others are destroyed by it.

Today, I stumbled on an Internet reference to an Indian Singaporean boy who had shown significant precocity as a child. At the age of 12 or so, he was doing A level exams. He seemed set for a great future. Then he applied for Cambridge, with three A levels in hand...and got rejected. Now, this boy, who had been consumed every day of his young life by Maths and Physics, was totally disheartened by this. He gave up his studies of Maths and Physics. No details were given as to his mental state, but I imagine, from the way he behaved, that he was depressed. He no longer pursued his interests. They no longer seemed to interest him. His relative described him, at the age of 15, as having “lost both his interest and his ability” in both Maths and Physics. He no longer showed precocity. He had become “ordinary”.

It was saddening to read of this case, because I can only say, from my own experience of Cambridge University, that this boy’s rejection from it, may actually have been a good thing. As a young boy, in Cambridge, he would have faced a daunting level of stress and pressure. This may have been damaging and is likely to have been much more than he was prepared to cope with. Looking at his very stark reaction to a simple rejection, I cannot imagine it being even remotely possible that he could cope with life in such a pressured, demanding University. He has given up his life dream simply because one University said: “No.” That is profoundly silly, in its own way. Cambridge reject many good candidates every year...even some great ones slip through, no doubt. They do so, because they are oversubscribed – they are overflowing with good candidates to choose from. Another issue which this young boy seems to have overlooked, is his own age. I am sure that Cambridge is not keen to take on a young boy. They probably rejected him not for his grades (which admittedly were good, but not as good as most candidates), but because of his AGE. They probably didn’t want to cope with the challenges of taking on a thirteen year old, as he would probably have been by the time of admission.

This boy, of such great promise, has given up everything because he could not get into the University of his choice. In so doing, he is showing that he is unable to cope with rejection. Thus, though it is a shame that his talent may now never flower, I can’t help but feel that anybody who gives up, on one rejection, is not going to be able to cope with the difficulties of life. If it hadn’t been Cambridge rejecting him, that stopped him, it would have been something else. For all his evident intelligence and diligence, this boy lacks resilience – the ability to cope with adversity. Thus, whatever the size of his talent the likely dimensions of his success, are going to be limited by this failing. He will never be able to overcome challenges, until he learns to cope with rejection and be resilient in the face of life.

I hope he learns the skill of resilience and the toughness to cope with rejection. If he does not, there is no way this boy is going to achieve the heights his basic intellect and diligence promised. His descent into what seems like depression holds a lesson for all parents of gifted children: do not let your child be put off by a rejection – or indeed, many rejections . People are often rejected for reasons that have nothing to do with their talent. Such decisions should not be allowed to crush a child, but should just be used as a lesson in how life does not always go smoothly or according to our ideal wishes. All children need to learn to overcome such challenges. Children who don’t, are unlikely to ever succeed, no matter how intelligent they are.

Posted by Valentine Cawley

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Ainan's charity work day

Yesterday was a busy day for Ainan. After his visit to NTU, he did some charity work.

It was Ainan's first taste of volunteer work. He was helping the charity Amazing Kidz raise funds for brain-damaged children. They are seeking to open a therapy centre for them. His role was to stop passers-by and ask them either to fill out a donation form - or to buy some postcards from him for a minimum of two dollars.

Quite a few people recognized him. A couple of elderly ladies noticed him and approached to gawk - but refused to donate when asked: they just wanted to catch a glimpse of Ainan. Fortunately, this kind were not alone. There were others who, when stopped by him, gladly donated to the charity or purchased postcards.

It was a good experience for Ainan. Firstly, it introduced him to the plight of some children who are not as blessed as he is and allows him to come to a better understanding of the world, thereby - and the various places of both others and himself in it. Secondly, it allowed him to do something actively to help others - which is always a good influence on a child's growth and perspective. Thirdly, however, it helped him deal with something which is difficult for many children: rejection. When he first got rejected by someone he approached to ask for a donation, he was put out: his face was a picture of hurt. Syahidah knew how to deal with this - for she was with him. She showed him that it was not personal. She approached someone seeking a donation - and was also rejected. "See, its normal." she said to him - and he did. "If they do that, just say thanks - and move on." she advised him. By her example, he understood - and so did as she had - whenever they donated, he thanked them - and, whenever they refused to donate - he thanked them, too - and moved on to the next. In the end, it was quite a productive afternoon, by Ainan, on behalf of the brain-damaged children of Singapore.

It was my wife, Syahidah Osman Cawley's idea to get him involved - and I think it was a good decision. He enjoyed it, he helped others - and came to understand something about people and himself that he had not known.

The fund raising occasion was in association with Ben and Jerry's, the ice-cream manufacturer. It was a special event at which ice-cream was ten dollars a cone, with the funds going to the charity. People formed big queues for the event - and were generous in paying out so much over the odds for an ice-cream. In addition, Ainan and my wife, Syahidah invited passers-by to make donations. It went well.

Ainan is likely to do other charity work in future.

(If you would like to learn more of Ainan Celeste Cawley, a scientific child prodigy, aged seven years and four months, or his gifted brothers, Fintan, three or Tiarnan, fourteen months, please go to: http://scientific-child-prodigy.blogspot.com/2006/10/scientific-child-prodigy-guide.html I also write of gifted education, IQ, intelligence, child prodigy, child genius, baby genius, adult genius, savant, the creatively gifted, gifted children and gifted adults. Thanks.)